Trigger warning
I'm Leon, I'm 25.
I live in Bridport, but I've grown up in, or around Dorset. I play bass guitar, not often enough, I don't practice enough, but I like writing poetry, video games, movies.
Leon’s story
So I started using ketamine about just over three or four years ago, maybe. I was already heavily in addiction for other substances. So I was at university when I first sort of came across it, initially I didn’t, you know, get involved, but, you know, later down the line, yeah, it was through other people at uni. And it’s very big, there's a few different sort of dangerous or unexpected situations that have, you know, cropped up due to my ketamine use.
I decided to mix it with LSD, which was a very, very bad decision. It was a bad trip and a bad K-hole together. You know, in my head I was being, you know, flung around by my ankle through like a black hole, you know, just completely traumatic experience. And then in reality, in the room, I was spinning around in circles throwing up all over my living room, and then passed out and then had to go to work the next morning still feeling the effects.
And, you know, I've also been, you know, sexually assaulted while on ketamine, you know, while being almost sort of paralysed and not mentally there. And that's a very common experience with it because, you know, as a tranquilliser, you’re very powerless, very vulnerable when on it, it’s very unpredictable. You know, you never really know how it's going to turn out.
My experience was it's like sort of the walls were closing in, you know, whatever room I was in was like a small sort of claustrophobic box. The walls would shift. It made me very paranoid. I'd be confused about what was going on. Any noises I'd be very suspicious of. I had a sense that there was danger around me, even if there wasn't. Yeah, it was quite a scary place to be in.
I very quickly had sort of a physical dependence on it. You know, I'd get withdrawals, you know, sweating, shaking, headaches. Also I'd get nosebleeds, it's quite harsh on your nostrils. It's very sharp, it's like glass, it sort of cuts as it's going in.
I was lucky enough to not have the sort of bladder and other organ problems, but I've known loads of people who have had really serious health problems from especially ketamine, and very quickly people, you know, 22, 23 and already having, you know, kidney, bladder problems.
With my drug use, I think, you know, early on I considered it recreational, but my progression was very rapid into it not being recreational and it being a problem. And I was, you know, I knew this deep down. But the way, you know, the nature of denial is that, you know, it's insipid. It's very cunning, you invent excuses, ways to justify it. And I would tell myself, that you know, it it wasn't a problem, it was just recreational, I was just treating myself and then next week I'd go easy or whatever. But it was never the case.
I basically, after the first time I used ketamine I was immediately, and this applies to, you know, most drugs I've taken, I was buying it secretly. I was doing it secretly on my own, in my room all day, every day. Just that's all I cared about, all I could think about.
Addiction was very painful, very relentless. Not only is there the, you know, the aspect of isolation, of disconnect from others, but it determined every decision I made. And I would not make good decisions or decisions that I considered were, you know, in my character or aligned with my morals. And it wasn't something I could have control over or power over. I couldn't moderate it. I felt, you know, powerless and defeated, but I also didn't, I didn't want to stop because of my past, because of my mental illness, you know, my experience before drug addiction wasn't positive either. And I didn't want to go back to that. It didn't occur to me that I could actually progress forward and, you know, live a positive life.
In hindsight, I wish I knew how addictive ketamine was and how badly it would combine with other substances, for sure. Because I was told by someone who, because some people somehow it's an alien concept to me, but some people can use or will use drugs recreationally and then stop. And I was told by, you know, one of those people that it wasn't addictive in their opinion. And so I had nothing to worry about, but that very much wasn't the case. It's very addictive. It's very widespread.
Ketamine, the way it's impacted, it impacted my life it doesn't really, it doesn't make you particularly productive or, you know, good at relationships, social or romantic or, you know, family. It's, you know, you're cutting yourself off. You're removing yourself from reality. You know, you're not present. And it made me more isolated. It made me more secretive. It made me more sneaky. It made me more disconnected. I was completely, you know, financially destitute. And I stopped caring about, you know, my university course altogether, I wasn't going to lectures, I eventually dropped out, I had completely run out of money, I couldn't pay my rent. I was suicidal, I had no desire to live whatsoever. And, you know, it’s a big cause of relationship breakdowns.
I've struggled with mental illness, you know, as far as I can remember, really. I was diagnosed anxiety and depression as a teenager, an eating disorder later on. I found that sort of mentally, emotionally, ketamine was a way of, you know, me escaping reality, sort of numbing myself. But it didn't work in quite the way as, you know, I'd imagined. Time would sort of skip, you know, you'd have a K-hole and dissociate or whatever, and you'd realise time had passed and you hadn't been present or experienced it, really. And in that sense, you know, you almost feel like you haven't properly enjoyed it, which makes you just want to take more and feel whatever it is you want to feel more. And it never felt like enough. It never satisfied whatever urge I had. I felt very desperate and, you know, just not wanting to be in reality at all. And I'd go to lengths, I'd use all the money I didn't have to get it.
But, you know, since stopping, I don't have that worry. I don't have that emotional distress, that constant thinking about it, planning, stressing about how I'm going to get more, how I'm going to function. I don't, you know, show up to work with, you know, still on the effects of it. I'm able to, like, function and have sort of you know, mental clarity and be present.
I'd say that I identify as neurodivergent. I've sought diagnoses for autism and ADHD. I very much identify with, you know, those characteristics, those traits, those symptoms. And I think that there is a huge overlap with neurodivergence and ketamine and other substance use. Things are a lot more, in general, the world seems more stressful and hostile and alienating, and substances like ketamine seem like a good way to alleviate that in the short term.
I found my recovery through 12 steps support groups. And that was the best decision I've made. For me it's been Narcotics Anonymous and, you know, that's completely changed my life. That's been what's kept me clean and has given me, you know, a reason to want to live, to strive to live and to, you know, work on myself and to connect with others and, you know, be a part of society.
My life now in recovery is, you know, it's beyond anything I could have imagined, really. You know, I'm not I'm not a millionaire. I'm not. You know, I don't have a car. I don't, you know, it's not I don't have a crazy, extravagant life, but I have, you know, everything I need. I'm a stable, I've got a roof over my head. I don't have to lie and steal and, that obsession and that compulsion is lifted from me. I'm not every waking second craving needing drugs. Worrying about how I'm going to finance drugs or hide, you know, the condition I'm in.
A lot of friends had cut me off or I’d distanced from them as a result of my using. And since then I've, you know, made amends and I've, you know, reformed close friendships and they’re stronger than they ever were. And I'm able to communicate better and accept support more. All the things I do, I could have never done while using, you know, I'm on the road, I have a licence. I can work, I can volunteer, stay where I can be trusted. There's a lot more opportunities for me now.
If you or someone you know is struggling with ketamine addiction, you are not alone. Free and confidential support is available:
- BCP - WithYou
Call 01202 558855 or visit wearewithyou.org.uk - Dorset - Reach
Call 0800 043 465 or visit waythrough.org.uk/reach